tumblr, you are so fucking melodramatic
i ran out of cigarettes last night. quitting is hard. i’m in an okay mood today, i guess, though there’s a minor undercurrent of anxiety. i want a cigarette before i do things, though, if i even do things today. i check the weather. it’s nice out. i should wear shorts. i should wear my cute shorts that show off my butt. i put them on and look at myself in the mirror. my legs are really hairy. fuck it, i shouldn’t wear them. i take them off. i tuck my junk because why not. i don’t want to wear jeans, i want to wear shorts. my sporty shorts are ugly anyway. i might as well show off my butt. put the cute shorts back on. look in the mirror.
okay, i look fine, though i haven’t shaved in two days, the laser is helping, and i look patchy, but so what. fuck it. i’m just going to get cigarettes. i look kind of cute today. maybe. my hair is cute, i have a braided strand dangling in the waves on one side.
i put on shoes, look in another mirror, yeah okay.
i’m walking through the building’s hallway, almost to the front door, when i suddenly notice the swish of my hips. things are changing, the way my body wants to move because of the expanding of my hips. my feet are shrinking and my shoes are a bit big now. i remember how i looked in the mirror. my curves. oh man. i look good. my noticeable body and facial hair. hmm. and then it hits me as i’m opening the door.
HOLY SHIT I PROBABLY LOOK LIKE A TRANNY. my teeth start chattering. someone is going to harass me, i just know it. something is going to happen. no, it’s not. i’m okay. everything will be okay.
i run across the street, get to the sidewalk, there are people. keep my head down, walk just a few feet to the general store’s door. more people. keep head mostly down, don’t make eye contact. if i notice someone looking at me, or maybe not, i don’t know, just smile casually. maybe it’s a smile. i hope it looks like a smile. whatever. cigarettes.
teeth aren’t chattering anymore. nothing happens. i smoke a cigarette next to my building door. people are in a car. i wonder if they’re looking at me. i wonder if i’m confusing them. probably not. they don’t give a shit. neither do i. whatever.